The Awards And Their Description

So I admit that I still bum around Usenet, which in itself might or might not qualify for some sort of award or dishonorable mention.  And I have seen a lot of similarities in Facebook and groups on Facebook as I do with Usenet groups and Usenet users (and there are still quite a few out there.)   Someone a long time back started the “kook” awards on Usenet  (“kook” being a derogatory/slang term for any idiot, crack-pot, nut-job, instigator, bully, and/or obnoxious jerk who posts), and I happen to run across an old ‘award’ posting from a while back. As I was reading it, it dawned on me that it seemed as if a lot of these could be relevant to the whole Facebook social landscape.

I then spent some time studying not only the posting habits of those on my friends list, but those who responded to their postings, as well as those who posted in various Facebook Groups that I belonged too.  I quickly found that the similarities between the Facebook posters and the Usenet Posters were not much different, and that my observation had been somewhat spot-on.

 So next I wondered if maybe now that Facebook is as popular now (or more so) than Usenet was back in the early and mid 90’s, that maybe a similar “kook” awards needed to be developed.  Naturally, like the original Usenet ‘Kook’ awards, the Facebook Flunky awards could be considered demeaning, insulting, and cruel.  And there would be those who would find the whole concept to be funny and humorous.  But for those in the first group would come the whole “hurt feelings syndrome”, with threats of “Flunky-suits”  (the Facebook equivalent of Usenet kook slander and libel lawsuits), and the hassles of threats of notifying Facebook admins to delete accounts (which wouldn’t at all be a bad thing once Google + gets it’s feet up under them), and the whole generic cry of “cyber-bullying”, that it might be much easier to present/post the awards outside the realm of Facebook  (ie: not on someone’s page.) Quite possibly a blog page would have to do.

So without further ado, here are some Facebook Flunky Award ideas I have proposed.  I admit that I borrowed heavily from the original Usenet Kook Awards (sometimes out-right pilfering some of them).  If you have any further suggestions or award ideas, please share them with me.  Clearly those awards that have requirements of previous winners will not be applicable until the allocated requirements are met.

I do not have a time frame at this time of when I’m going to actually put this into play.  And for the record, as the chair and presenter of these awards, I will NOT personally nominate anyone, nor suggest anyone to be nominated.

FACEBOOK FLUNKY AWARDS

For those people on Facebook who are just annoying as hell.

TOP FACEBOOK FLUNKY AWARD

Given to the supreme Facebook Idiot.  Nominees must have been a winner of any previous award Facebook Flunky award.  Winner by 2/3 majority votes.

GOLDEN SOCK-PUPPET AWARD

Award given to the most annoying alter-ego account/profile.   Must be able to verify the alter-ego and real accounts to qualify for nomination.

BUSTED URINAL AWARD

Given to the person who automatically copies and reposts anything/everything that has the phrase “copy and paste”, “repost”, “if you agree”, “I want to see this in everybody’s status” or similar phrases.

THE CHICKEN LITTLE AWARD

Different from The Busted Urinal Award, as this award is given to the person who automatically copies and reposts any/every supposed ‘hoax’ that has the phrase “copy and paste”, “repost”, “I want to see this on everybody’s”, or similar phrases.  Nominees automatically receive a default nomination for The Busted Urinal Award, too.

THE HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER AWARD

Given to the person who reposts any hoax that deals with either donating or giving, or removing or deleting anything that involves the verification by reposting a post.  Other qualifications could include (but not be limited to) unverified information regarding military unit stationed overseas, companies now hiring, etc. etc.  Nominees automatically receive a nomination for “The Busted Urinal Award”, too.

THE BROKEN SOAP BOX AWARD

Given to the person who automatically uses a political or religious rant as a response to a post, regardless of the nature of the original post.

THE ANNE FRANK AWARD

Given to the person who treats their Facebook posts like it’s a diary entry.

DRAMA QUEEN AWARD

This award to be named after the first winner.  This award is given to the person who posts each and every crisis that goes on in their life, even if the posts are vague in nature, or provides far too much information than should be allowed.  Nominees receive a default nomination for The Anne Frank Award.

THE GOLDEN BULLHORN AWARD

Given to the person who consistently and obnoxiously insists on typing in all caps all the time, no matter how many times he or she is asked to refrain from said activity.  Nominees automatically receive a nomination for “The Flat-Liner Award”, too.

THE BROKEN RECORD AWARD

Award to be named for the first winner.  Given to the person who annoyingly posts music videos by the same band or artist within a 2 hour time period.  Minimum requirement of four music videos to qualify.

THE HOCKEY DINO RUSTY FORK AWARD

Named in honor of the inventor of this idea, this award is given to the person who consistently/habitually posts such dribble as “good morning!”, “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, “it’s Monday!’, etc. etc. etc. that makes you want to stick a fork in your eyes, or preferably in the eyes of the drip who posted it.

THE HOLY HAND PUMP AWARD

Given to the self-righteous person who’s only contribution to Facebook is their constant posting of bible verses. Most likely done by a person who is trying to cover up past skeletons or current secretive or not-so-secretive transgressions.

THE BROKEN DICTIONARY AWARD

This award to be given to the person who’s spelling is so awful, that even spell-check and auto-correct can’t even save them.  Nominees automatically receive a nomination for “The Flat-Liner Award”, too.

THE CLUELESS NEWBIE AWARD

The nominee for this award must post something so ridiculous, so oblivious, that the only explanation for their actions is that they are either clueless to Facebook etiquette or to the real world around them.  Nominees must have a Facebook account for less than a year.

THE FLAT-LINER AWARD

The nominee for this award must post something so ridiculous, so oblivious, that the only explanation for their actions is that they are either clueless to Facebook etiquette or to the real world around them.

THE GODWIN’S SEWER AWARD

Given to the person who feels the need to use comparisons to Nazis or Hitler (or Communists and Stalin) for their arguments. 

THE NECROMANCY AWARD

This unusual award is given to the account and person(s) using the account of an acknowledged deceased individual.  The deceased person themselves do not get this award, only the persons still using their account.

THE COWARDLY LION AWARD

This award goes to the person who bullies, antagonizes, instigates, etc. on Facebook but cowers, retreats, or evasive about the situations(s) that they have acted hostile towards in real life.

THE SELF TROLLER AWARD

This award, to be named after the first winner, is for the person who posts something for the sole purpose of getting others to pay them compliments to boost or stroke ego.

THE CAGE SHAKER AWARD

Given to the person who posts a comment for the sole purpose of the attempt to instigate strong reaction from others.  This award is to be named in honor of the first winner.

THE FACEBOOK FLUNKIES VILLAGE IDIOTS ELECTED OFFICE:

These are pervious winners who have excelled in their Facebook stupidity.  Nominees must have either won two different awards in two separate occasions, or must have been nominated four different times in four different categories at least three different times.  Certain restrictions and additional qualifications may apply to some village offices.

OFFICE OF DARTH DROOLUS  (Facebook Flunky Over-lord)

The person elected to this title has proven to be such an idiot on Facebook, that no consoling, advice, threats, etc. etc can sway them in their behavior.  Nominees must have a) won at least three different Facebook Flunky Awards at separate times, or B) been nominated for at least 6 different awards at 6 different times, or C) been nominated or won for at least 2 different Facebook Flunky Village Awards.  (Those who have won two different offices are automatically nominated for this office.).  Winner must receive 2/3 vote.

OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT

Not quite stupid enough to aspire to the Over-Lord position, but stupid enough to be recognized for their short-comings.

THE MINISTER OF FLAWED INFORMATION

The idiot who can never get anything straight, no matter how many times you try to correct him or her.  Even after you cite and link pages that shows how this person is wrong, they still tend to not believe they are wrong, and will cite unverifiable references for their argument.

THE MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS

I’m not sure how many people actually make up a circle jerk, so I’m going to make a minimum of three, and a maximum of ten.  For this award, must have won at least one Flunky award.  Golden Sock Puppet winners and nominees are automatically receive nomination for this.  Winner must receive ¾ vote to gain seat in ministry.  When seating is filled to capacity, new nominees will compete against incumbents starting with oldest seated first.  Defeated incumbents can be re-nominated the next round.

FACEBOOK MERIT AWARDS

We can’t just recognize the bad guys on Facebook. There’s some great folk out there, too.  And here’s some awards to recognize the cream of the crop.  Those who rise above the rest.

THE ONE-LINER AWARD

This award, to be named after the first winner, is given to the person who writes the funniest original one-liner post.

THE FACEBOOK SAMARITAN AWARD

This award, to be named after the first winner, is given to the person who via Facebook uses their account to help someone else in some manner

THE ENOLA GAY ATOMIC BOMB AWARD

Given to the person who posts a comment that in all intents and purposes ends a discussion or argument thread originating from a post.  The comment must be relevant to the thread, and must be either factual, or correcting of comments from earlier posts.

THE GOLDEN RAY OF SUNSHINE AWARD

Much different than The Holy Hand Pump Award, in that this person might post something (or responds to a post) that is inspiration, yet not too cheesy or religiously.  The posting must be positive in manner.